This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:00] Alan Tudyk: Hello, and thank you for inviting me into your ears.

[0:03] Alan Tudyk: The following podcast is a benefit for the Actors Fund and Broadway Cares COVID-19 Emergency Assistance Fund.

[0:10] Alan Tudyk: To donate, please visit www.broadwaycares.org slash help2020.

[0:16] Alan Tudyk: And if you don't, I'll come to your house.

[0:19] Alan Tudyk: Nyeh-hah!

[0:20] Alan Tudyk: Dracula, a Comedy of Terrors, is brought to you by the Actors Fund, Broadway Cares, and Blood.

[0:31] Alan Tudyk: Blood, it's in all of us.

[0:37] Alan Tudyk: Gentle listener, the terrifying adventures of Count Dracula, Lucy Westfeldt, and Jonathan Harker will begin in just a moment.

[0:46] Alan Tudyk: But first, a word of warning.

[0:49] Alan Tudyk: Beginning the podcast, should you feel the uneasy sensation of hot breath upon your neck, and your blood pressure begins to rise, and you did not have the foresight to purchase in advance a wreath of garlic, a vial of holy water, or a sensible turtleneck, please notify a healthcare professional immediately, and they will pray for your eternal soul.

[1:17] Jeff Kready: October the 5th, 1897. Dearest Lucy, apologies for my unsteady penmanship. I write to you from inside of a carriage en route to my client's home in the mountains of Transylvania.

[1:28] Jeff Kready: Excuse me, sir?

[1:30] Christopher Sieber: Yes, driver?

[1:32] Jeff Kready: What was that address again?

[1:33] Christopher Sieber: Uh, let's see here. It looks like there's not so much an address as a map. Can you read this?

[1:40] Jeff Kready: I must to keep my eyes on the road. This area is treacherous, especially at night.

[1:47] Jeff Kready: The Carpathian Mountains are known for their steep cliffs and man-eating wolves.

[1:51] Jeff Kready: I'm sorry?

[1:52] Christopher Sieber: You're right. Person-eating wolves.

[1:54] Jeff Kready: Uh, are we in danger?

[1:58] Christopher Sieber: In this part of the world, danger is never far from your front drawbridge. But I'm sure you'll be fine. It's only eleven. The wolves don't come out until after midnight.

[2:14] Jeff Kready: Huh. I guess my watch is broken.

[2:18] Jeff Kready: Oh. Oh, this is... this is not good. We certainly wouldn't want to be stranded around here. Not on the Borgo Pass. People in this region tend to mysteriously disappear.

[2:30] Christopher Sieber: They call it the Devil's Rhombus.

[2:33] Jeff Kready: Are they all right? The horses?

[2:36] Christopher Sieber: Oh, yes. I've trained them to punctuate my lines for dramatic effect. Sometimes they overdo it.

[2:44] Jeff Kready: Well, I hope they've enough strength for the remainder of the journey, because I've got to get to the castle.

[2:50] Christopher Sieber: The castle?

[2:52] Jeff Kready: I have urgent business with Count Dracula.

[2:55] Christopher Sieber: Count Dracula?

[2:57] Jeff Kready: Yes. I must have these papers signed and return to England post-haste. I'm soon to be married.

[3:03] Christopher Sieber: Sir, you do not understand.

[3:05] Jeff Kready: Oh, I understand completely. They say marriage changes everything for a chap, but not me. I've been preparing to be married my entire life. I make daily schedules, clean compulsively, and adore being taken for granted.

[3:18] Christopher Sieber: Mr. Harker, I beg of you, heed my warning. For the sake of your betrothed, do not enter that wretched castle.

[3:26] Jeff Kready: Can't be that bad. I can find something nice to say about any home. I'm a real estate broker.

[3:32] Christopher Sieber: Then I can only wish you the best of luck. And my condolences to your bride.

[3:39] Jeff Kready: Why have the horses stopped?

[3:40] Christopher Sieber: They sense danger. You will have to walk the rest of the way.

[3:44] Jeff Kready: Walk?

[3:45] Christopher Sieber: It's not far. You'll probably make it.

[3:49] Jeff Kready: But what about the wolves?

[3:51] Christopher Sieber: Try this.

[3:53] Christopher Sieber: A bag of garlic? From the farmer's market in Bucharest. God be with you, sir. And please, remember to give me five stars.

[4:05] Alan Tudyk: Mr. Harker made his way through the Carpathian woods, where he could see the glow of yellow eyes through the trees, staring at him hungrily, growling with menace. He was terrified, like Margaret Thatcher at a dental convention.

[4:24] Alan Tudyk: Just as the wolves were poised to attack...

[4:27] Jeff Kready: Good doggie, good doggie, who's a good doggie? What about some fresh garlic, then? Don't you want any? It's from the farmer's market.

[4:41] Alan Tudyk: Huh, how queer. With the path cleared, he made his way to the front door of a vast ruined castle with tall black windows, whose broken battlements showed a jagged line against the sky.

[4:56] Jeff Kready: I say, the driver was right. He is awfully creepy. I can see why he wants to move. Oh well, here goes.

[5:08] Christopher Sieber: And right there, dressed entirely in black, stood none other than Count Dracula.

[5:16] Christopher Sieber: Nice to meet you.

[5:22] Christopher Sieber: Alexa, turn down the music.

[5:25] Christopher Sieber: Mr. Harker. So good to finally be here. It was quite a journey.

[5:31] Christopher Sieber: Welcome to my house. Please note that you have entered under no duress and of your own free will.

[5:43] Jeff Kready: Isn't that a unique greeting?

[5:45] Christopher Sieber: Liability issues.

[5:48] Jeff Kready: Speaking of, is your solicitor here?

[5:51] Christopher Sieber: Speaking of, is your solicitor here? For the signing, I mean.

[5:53] Jeff Kready: Oh, I couldn't find one who keeps my hours.

[5:58] Christopher Sieber: Yes, I was wondering why we had to meet so late. It's a bit unorthodox, isn't it?

[6:04] Christopher Sieber: I'm a unicorn. You actually caught me in the middle of my morning workout.

[6:09] Jeff Kready: Morning? It's nearly midnight.

[6:11] Christopher Sieber: I slept late. Where are my manners? Can I get you something to drink? To eat?

[6:17] Jeff Kready: Oh, you wouldn't happen to have anything gluten-free, cruelty-free, vegan, non-GMO and certified organic, would you? I love house guests.

[6:25] Christopher Sieber: You're in luck. I get all of my overpriced produce from the farmer's market in town.

[6:31] Jeff Kready: Perfect. In fact, that's where my carriage driver got this bag of fresh garlic. Look!

[6:38] Christopher Sieber: You all right there, Dracula?

[6:40] Christopher Sieber: Oh, yes, just allergic.

[6:43] Jeff Kready: I understand. Makes cooking a challenge, eh?

[6:46] Christopher Sieber: Not at all. I'm a baker. More sweet than savory.

[6:50] Jeff Kready: Oh, lovely. I'm sure Mrs. Dracula appreciates that.

[6:54] Christopher Sieber: There is no Mrs. Dracula.

[6:59] Jeff Kready: Oh. Forgive my presumption.

[7:01] Christopher Sieber: No, naturally you assumed as much. I'm highly desirable. But I've been through every single woman in Romania and I have yet to find the right person.

[7:16] Christopher Sieber: It is a small country, I suppose. Full of small-minded people. How many more conversations can a man have about chicken coops and borscht? I long for someone who will challenge me, a match, an equal, someone whose strength of character makes me want to be better. Also, she has to be hot.

[7:36] Jeff Kready: That is what I truly crave, Mr. Harker, I love the companionship, the taste of that one special person.

[7:44] Christopher Sieber: The taste?

[7:45] Jeff Kready: I'm sorry, the trust of that one special person. Well, no shortage of singletons in London. Let's get you there straight away. I have all the legal documents for you to take ownership of your five new properties.

[7:57] Christopher Sieber: Wonderful. So, I'll just need your autograph here, here, here, here, and here.

[8:04] Jeff Kready: Lovely. And then there's the little matter of the check.

[8:08] Christopher Sieber: Yes, I have that prepared. Thanks very much.

[8:12] Jeff Kready: Lots of zeros on this one, eh? Remarkable. Real estate has gone through the roof since the Black Plague.

[8:20] Christopher Sieber: You're funny.

[8:22] Jeff Kready: Yes, it's bloody expensive, isn't it?

[8:24] Christopher Sieber: Yes, bloody expensive.

[8:30] Jeff Kready: Count, not to pry, but I'm curious. What does one do with five separate homes in London?

[8:36] Christopher Sieber: Investments. I want to have a foothold in all of the best neighborhoods.

[8:40] Jeff Kready: I admire your business acumen. Might I ask what you do for work?

[8:45] Christopher Sieber: Oh, you Englishmen are all business. Might I ask what you do for pleasure?

[8:54] Jeff Kready: Oh, I don't know. Usual things. A tidy desk generally makes me happy. Cup of tea, not too hot. Colour-coordinated sock drawer.

[9:02] Christopher Sieber: You sound like a lot of fun.

[9:04] Jeff Kready: Oh, but I'm not. My fiancée tells me all the time. She's much more adventurous than I am.

[9:10] Christopher Sieber: Is that so?

[9:11] Jeff Kready: Oh, yes. Yes, she's always off exploring dark and abandoned places, picking up exotic plants and artifacts, and getting herself into all sorts of mischief. The woman is fearless. I have no idea what she's doing with me.

[9:25] Jeff Kready: Here, this is her. Isn't she a vision?

[9:32] Christopher Sieber: She is exquisite.

[9:35] Jeff Kready: Yes, and brave beyond reason. We met as children when I fell through the ice in the pond behind our school, and she rescued me. I would have died of hypothermia had she not heard my screams and come running.

[9:47] Christopher Sieber: Unbelievable.

[9:49] Jeff Kready: Quite. It's as though she's attracted to danger. That skin.

[9:54] Christopher Sieber: The likes of which I have not seen in at least a thousand years.

[10:00] Jeff Kready: Sorry?

[10:01] Christopher Sieber: And that neck. Such flawless skin.

[10:03] Jeff Kready: Well, we all get the odd ingrown hair, but overall...

[10:06] Christopher Sieber: She looks like a B positive, no?

[10:08] Jeff Kready: Oh, yes. She's quite the optimist. It's that very spirit which draws people to her.

[10:13] Christopher Sieber: And her skin.

[10:14] Jeff Kready: Yes, you keep saying that. Where does she sleep?

[10:17] Christopher Sieber: I'm sorry? I mean live. Where does she live?

[10:19] Jeff Kready: At her father's house in Whitby, atop a cliff overlooking the North Sea. It's breathtaking.

[10:25] Christopher Sieber: I like the sound of that. If only her father would give up his silly rehabilitation project with the criminally insane...

[10:31] Jeff Kready: Insane?

[10:32] Christopher Sieber: The mental patients who live with him and his daughters. He specializes in those with weak minds, susceptible to suggestion and vulnerable to dark forces.

[10:41] Jeff Kready: Interesting. There's not much else in town, other than the cemetery and a haunted house that no one wants to buy. I've had that listing for ages.

[10:51] Christopher Sieber: Really? What's the ask?

[10:53] Jeff Kready: You could pick it up for next to nothing. No one wants to deal with the renovations.

[10:58] Christopher Sieber: Or the screams at night.

[11:00] Jeff Kready: Forget it.

[11:06] Richard Kind: Morrison, we're nearing the eye of the storm.

[11:14] Richard Kind: Hoist the mizzen and raise the top sail.

[11:18] Orville Mendoza: What's that, Captain?

[11:20] Richard Kind: I said, we're nearing the eye of the storm.

[11:25] Orville Mendoza: What? I can't hear you.

[11:28] Richard Kind: The blasted rain is coming down so hard.

[11:32] Orville Mendoza: What was that, sir?

[11:35] Richard Kind: Never mind.

[11:37] Richard Kind: What is the report today?

[11:40] Orville Mendoza: Due to high winds, volleyball has been cancelled.

[11:45] Richard Kind: What else?

[11:46] Orville Mendoza: And the buffet is down.

[11:50] Richard Kind: Damn it.

[11:52] Orville Mendoza: And you're gonna have to change your own linens, if you don't mind, sir.

[11:58] Richard Kind: What is this nonsense? We need all hands on deck.

[12:02] Orville Mendoza: Sir, the men are not well.

[12:05] Richard Kind: How's that?

[12:06] Orville Mendoza: They've all taken ill.

[12:09] Richard Kind: Oh. How ill?

[12:12] Orville Mendoza: Dead, sir. Every last one.

[12:15] Richard Kind: Every single one?

[12:18] Orville Mendoza: All but you, me, and the passenger.

[12:21] Orville Mendoza: He's been asleep all day.

[12:23] Orville Mendoza: In fact, he's slept every day since we've been on the ship.

[12:26] Orville Mendoza: I can only assume he's overdone it with the Dramamine.

[12:29] Richard Kind: Then, by God, bring him above deck.

[12:32] Richard Kind: The wind is picking up.

[12:34] Richard Kind: I will take it on water.

[12:37] Richard Kind: I don't know how much longer she'll hold in this squall.

[12:41] Orville Mendoza: Aye, aye, sir.

[12:45] Richard Kind: Captain's log, October 11th, 1897.

[12:48] Richard Kind: With a trembling hand and a screaming stomach, I attempt to chronicle the terrifying events of the past few days aboard the S.S. Stoker.

[12:56] Richard Kind: When the ship left port in the Baltic Sea, she carried 36 souls.

[12:59] Richard Kind: In the intervening weeks, however, they've all succumbed to a mysterious illness of the blood, leaving no clue, apart from what appear to be tiny bite marks on their necks.

[13:14] Richard Kind: I assume it is somehow related to an aviary disease, as there have been reported sightings of a bat flying from cabin to cabin.

[13:24] Richard Kind: The lone passenger below decks has not surfaced in days.

[13:29] Richard Kind: I sent a bosun down to retrieve him, but neither has returned.

[13:34] Richard Kind: I can only imagine that they have succumbed to the same fate as the rest.

[13:39] Richard Kind: I am now left alone at the helm of what is essentially a ghost ship, battling 30-foot swells and winds of 18 knots or more.

[13:51] Richard Kind: If I should meet my watery end, please tell my wife and my mistress that she was the only woman I ever loved!

[14:01] Richard Kind: Oh no!

[14:02] Richard Kind: Oh!

[14:03] Richard Kind: Can that be a wall of water?

[14:05] Richard Kind: Here it comes!

[14:07] Richard Kind: The big one!

[14:09] Richard Kind: I go down honorably with my shi-

[14:14] Richard Kind: I go down honorably with my shi-

[14:18] Ashley Park: Lucy, sit still. We need to get the sand out of your hair, and I don't want granules on your pretty bedspread.

[14:25] Annaleigh Ashford: Sister, you are too kind.

[14:27] Annaleigh Ashford: Oh, how I love your hair.

[14:29] Ashley Park: If only I weren't cursed with father's straggle knots, I would have pretty bows like you.

[14:35] Annaleigh Ashford: Oh, nonsense, Mina. With your hair is every bit as beautiful as my own.

[14:40] Ashley Park: I'm afraid you've got mother's hair, and I've got father's facial hair.

[14:46] Annaleigh Ashford: Nevertheless, you look handsome, sister.

[14:49] Ashley Park: You really shouldn't go wandering on the beach at night like that.

[14:53] Annaleigh Ashford: We were all so worried.

[14:55] Ashley Park: I couldn't resist exploring just a bit. With all the wreckage washed up, it was like walking right into an adventure story.

[15:02] Annaleigh Ashford: Fear, this captain's log is still wet.

[15:06] Annaleigh Ashford: Fear, this captain's log is still wet.

[15:09] Ashley Park: Oh, what else does it say? You know I can't read words.

[15:13] Annaleigh Ashford: I go down honorably with my shi-

[15:15] Annaleigh Ashford: With his shi-

[15:17] Annaleigh Ashford: Well, that's where it ends.

[15:19] Ashley Park: Personally, I think an unfinished sentence is the height of laziness.

[15:23] Annaleigh Ashford: What do you suppose he meant by going down with his shi-

[15:26] Ashley Park: Oh, sweet sister, I mean- No one survived.

[15:33] Annaleigh Ashford: Oh, how chilling.

[15:36] Ashley Park: Oh, oh, was there anything else in that book?

[15:38] Annaleigh Ashford: No, just some pencil sketches of naked mermaids and the odd cabin boy.

[15:42] Ashley Park: Oh, to lose another artist, the world is the poorer for it.

[15:45] Annaleigh Ashford: Look! Oh, look, Amina, there's a manifest here at the end.

[15:48] Ashley Park: That sounds promising.

[15:50] Annaleigh Ashford: It's all a bit squishy, but- This last line looks like it says, Six coffins full of earth headed for Carfax.

[16:03] Ashley Park: Oh, that dreadful abandoned house on the other side of town. Didn't Jonathan just sell that property?

[16:09] Annaleigh Ashford: Yes, to a man in Transylvania.

[16:11] Ashley Park: Oh, he must have been on that ship. I hope Jonathan cashed that check.

[16:16] Orville Mendoza: Pardon me, Miss Lucy. Sorry to bother you, but Mr. Harker has arrived. Shall I send him up?

[16:21] Ashley Park: Oh, yes, thank you, Renfield.

[16:24] Ashley Park: Thank you, Renfield. Incidentally, excellent progress you're making. It seems Father's treatments are really working. Are you feeling any better?

[16:31] Annaleigh Ashford: As a matter of fact, I am, Mum. I'm nearly free of all my unhealthy behaviours.

[16:38] Ashley Park: Wonderful. Except my eating disorder.

[16:41] Annaleigh Ashford: Oh, look, a spider.

[16:43] Ashley Park: Where?

[16:44] Annaleigh Ashford: It's on you.

[16:46] Ashley Park: Get it off of me!

[16:49] Annaleigh Ashford: Get in my mouth, you delicious little crumpet!

[16:53] Ashley Park: Oh, Renfield, I thought you were working on that.

[16:56] Orville Mendoza: It's my cheat day.

[16:58] Jeff Kready: Is everything all right in here? I thought I heard a scream.

[17:01] Ashley Park: Apologies, Jonathan. My nerves got the better of me.

[17:05] Jeff Kready: Oh, thank God, Lucy, you're all right. Almost ready?

[17:08] Ashley Park: Of course, darling. I'm all right too, thanks.

[17:12] Jeff Kready: Great, Mina. Darling, you're not even dressed. According to my schedule, we're due downstairs in three minutes. How does it look if we're late to our own engagement party?

[17:22] Ashley Park: Like our passion is so fiery, we run off to some far-flung land to live on berries and love-making. Like in one of those adventure stories.

[17:30] Jeff Kready: Wouldn't that be something?

[17:31] Ashley Park: Something dangerous.

[17:32] Jeff Kready: Do you know unwashed berries contain parasites?

[17:35] Ashley Park: I wasn't being literal. I wish you would relax, darling.

[17:39] Jeff Kready: I'm... I'm sorry. I am trying, you know.

[17:42] Ashley Park: I know, my love. Come here, then. Give us a kiss.

[17:46] Jeff Kready: I don't see how that is going to...

[17:54] Ashley Park: That was nice. Might I ask the future Mrs. Harker for another?

[17:59] Jeff Kready: You might, sir. And I might just give you more than you bargained for.

[18:05] Ashley Park: We're wicked, aren't we?

[18:08] Annaleigh Ashford: Sorry, Mina. Don't worry about me. I like to watch.

[18:13] Annaleigh Ashford: What's all this sand in your hair?

[18:15] Ashley Park: Well, I was down at the beach last night foraging for souvenirs from the wreck.

[18:20] Annaleigh Ashford: At night? Are you out of your mind? They're all sorts of ruffians and thugs. They come out of the woodwork whenever a ship runs aground.

[18:28] Ashley Park: Oh, Jonathan.

[18:29] Jeff Kready: I'm sorry. They're all sorts of ruffians and thugs. They come out of the woodwork whenever a ship runs aground.

[18:36] Jeff Kready: Jonathan, you're sweet to worry about me, but, you know, there isn't any need to be so skittish.

[18:41] Jeff Kready: I can't help it. I worry about your safety and my own. Only two weeks ago, I was on that very ship. It could have been me. It's all a little close to home for my taste.

[18:52] Ashley Park: Do you know my client, Count Dracula, was on that ship?

[18:55] Jeff Kready: Oh, that's what I feared. I'm so sorry.

[18:59] Ashley Park: He was looking forward to England, and to meeting you, Lucy. He was rather impressed with your skin care regimen.

[19:02] Ashley Park: It's so funny. Everyone always asks. Truth is, it's just soap and water.

[19:10] Jeff Kready: Of course. Beautiful inside and out. It's just soap and water. Silver lining. I can sell creepy old Carfax again. And all those properties in London.

[19:17] Ashley Park: Oh, how nice. Yay. More good things happening for my sister.

[19:21] Annaleigh Ashford: Sometimes this mole on my face seems to be growing larger.

[19:30] Annaleigh Ashford: Mina, will you give us a moment alone?

[19:33] Ashley Park: No problem. I'll head down to the party. There are quite a few handsome gentlemen there. Some of my former suitors simply won't take no for an answer.

[19:42] Jeff Kready: Well, I'll just head down and hope for sloppy seconds then.

[19:47] Annaleigh Ashford: Mina.

[19:48] Ashley Park: Going.

[19:50] Ashley Park: My darling, you have a little more sand in your hair. Do you mind?

[19:53] Jeff Kready: Oh, leave it. Oh, people will think we've been rolling around on the beach.

[19:58] Jeff Kready: It's six degrees and raining. We'd end up in bed for a week.

[20:02] Ashley Park: I would love a week in bed with you, Jonathan.

[20:08] Jeff Kready: You're a devil, you are. But we can't do this now.

[20:12] Ashley Park: Why not?

[20:13] Jeff Kready: We have a room full of important guests waiting, including three judges, a barrister, and a beetle.

[20:18] Ashley Park: Did someone say beetle?

[20:20] Jeff Kready: No.

[20:22] Jeff Kready: Darling, please.

[20:24] Ashley Park: So I guess tonight is for all those important people then.

[20:28] Jeff Kready: Lucy, you know you are the most important person in my entire world. You're my future.

[20:32] Ashley Park: I love you.

[20:34] Jeff Kready: And I you, my darling. In sickness and in health, till death do us part.

[20:44] Alan Tudyk: Will any survivors turn up from the shipwreck? Will Lucy and Jonathan live long enough to see their wedding day? Will Mina ever get some? Wouldn't that be nice. The answers to these questions and more next week on Dracula, a comedy of terrors.

[21:08] Alan Tudyk: Dracula, a comedy of terrors was written by Gordon Greenberg and Steve Rosen. Directed by Gordon Greenberg, associated directed by Marty McGuire. Edited and mixed by Bart Fassbender with original music and sound design by Victoria DiOrio. Produced by Dori Berinstein and Alan Seales for the Broadway Podcast Network.

[21:26] Alan Tudyk: This week's episode featured Christopher Sieber as Dracula, Jeff Kready as Jonathan Harker, Steve Rosen as the carriage driver, Richard Kind as the ship's captain, Orville Mendoza as the bosun, and Ashley Park as Lucy Westfeldt, Annaleigh Ashford as Mina Westfeldt, Alex Brightman as Renfield, and I am your narrator, Alan Tudyk.

[21:45] Alan Tudyk: This has been a social isolation podcast to benefit the Actors Fund and Broadway Cares. To donate, please visit the COVID-19 Emergency Assistance Fund at www.broadwaycares.org forward slash help 2020.

[22:02] Alan Tudyk: Dracula, a comedy of terrors was commissioned and originally produced by the Maltz-Jupiter Theater, Andrew Cato, Producing Artistic Director, Chief Executive.