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Speaker 1: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry I'm late. Um, okay. We're recording now and we can start whenever you're ready. I've been sitting here for 20 minutes, Fritz. What happened to you? You look terrible. I'm feeling a little bit off, but we're ready to go now. Okay, I can start. Welcome to the Professor Birthday Podcast. Today we have a very special episode. We're going to be... Today I thought we could talk about something fun. Everyone has had to make birthday phone calls to relatives. Especially their grandparents on their birthdays.

Speaker 2: Right. Good topic. It's something you have to do and as much as children love their grandparents, it can be a bit boring. You okay? Mm-hmm. Oh, Fritz, do you need to go home? No. You sound bad. I'm embarrassed. I went somewhere I shouldn't have.

Speaker 1: Huh? You asked me to find more show topics for the podcast, so I've been exploring the university. Where did you go exactly? I visited birthday labs.

Speaker 2: Oh, no. I went in. It was so weird. All the birthday techs were gathered around all these long copper pipes coming down from the ceiling and the pipes were oozing this smelly goo and they were collecting it.

Speaker 1: Oh, you shouldn't have been there. Everyone was wearing gas masks. Maybe I should have put one on. They asked me to leave, but I told them I was working on your show, so they let me stay and... Oh, no. That place is off limits, especially this week. They're handling the teen.

Speaker 2: The what? The teen, Fritz. The teen. That's what you saw them collecting in beakers. The teen. Wait, what did you say? The teen. They're collecting it and processing it this week. You saw the teen. Are you saying teen?

Speaker 1: Yes, Fritz. The teen. How else can I say it? But what do you mean, teen? Oh, Fritz, this really isn't what I wanted to talk about this week. Okay, how do we start this?

Speaker 2: All right. So, when you're 12 years old and then you have your next birthday, well, how old are you then? Thirteen.

Speaker 1: Thirteen. Uh-huh. Yeah, see? Now, where did the teen come from, hmm? Uh... It comes from us. We supply it.

Speaker 2: We do. Yes. And then you're 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. The teen has been with you for years. But then, on your next birthday, you see, after 19, how old are you? 20.

Speaker 1: All right, exactly. Now, where did the teen go? It goes somewhere else. Mm-hmm. It comes back here to Birthday University. That, unfortunately, is what you saw today. They were collecting and processing old teen.

Speaker 2: So that goo, that makes kids into teenagers? I wanted to talk about birthday phone calls. And when they turn 20, they're not teenagers anymore, so the goo comes back here. It's called recycling.

Speaker 1: Um, why does it smell so bad? I mean, have you met a teenager? That's why we purify and process it before we send it out to the next kids, you know, to sanitize it.

Speaker 2: But what does it do? When you become a teenager, you get bigger and smarter and your personality develops, and the teen is a special ingredient that gets things moving. It smelled so bad.

Speaker 1: Yeah, well, you're supposed to wear a respirator down there. And it was bad tasting.

Speaker 2: You tasted it? I didn't know what it was. How much did you eat? I don't know, a dab?

Speaker 1: A dab? What? What's going to happen to me? Oh, I don't feel so well. Oh, my God. Why would you eat it? I'm not sure. Just back off me, okay? You're always on my case.

Speaker 2: Oh, my God, it's happening. Leave me alone. I don't feel good. I told you. You're turning into a teenager. You can't make everything my fault.

Speaker 1: All right, Fritz, which is the emergency button? Is there an emergency button in this podcast booth? Fritz, how do I make a general announcement to the school from the podcast booth? Not by blaming me.

Speaker 2: Fritz, listen to me. The teen you consumed is being absorbed by your body. You need your stomach pumped immediately. And do I have a choice in this? Are my feelings considered at all?

Speaker 1: Fritz, your body is changing. We need to stop it. Help me make a call to Birthday Labs. You can't make a call from your booth. Only the control booth, my booth, can make a call.

Speaker 2: Fritz, I'm coming into your booth. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Open the door. Please. My room, my rules. Rule number one, no touching my stuff.

Speaker 1: Okay, fine. Rule two, don't tell me what to do. Mm-hmm. Rule three, respect my music.

Speaker 2: Do what? The music I write. Respect it. Why does that matter? Why does my music matter?

Speaker 1: Fritz. It's who I am. It's my soul. All right, yes, I care about your music. Your music is very important to me. You've never even heard it.

Speaker 2: Well, I'd like to someday. Would you listen to it now? Sure, if you can let me into this booth.

Speaker 1: Okay. This one's coming right from the heart, so just keep an open mind. Fritz, open the door. That spark in her eyes, it sends me reeling and I can't disguise The feels that I'm feeling and I can't find the words I'm at a loss.

Speaker 2: Fritz, what's so wrong with her? She is the best, but I just annoy her because I'm a pest And she's my employer, but still I think of her Yeah, she's my boss.

Speaker 1: No, don't, Fritz. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with my boss I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with my boss I'm in love, I'm in love, love, love, love, love, love With my boss.

Speaker 2: Well, what'd you think? Good song, great song. Fritz, open the door. But did you get that there's a hidden meaning in the song? An under the words message? I got it. I'm in love with you.

Speaker 1: You are not, Fritz. Just open the door. I'm in love with you, Professor Birthday. It might seem sudden, but I can't ignore my heart. The teen is affecting your heart as well as your skin and liver. Let me in or it's going to get worse.

Speaker 2: What's worse than being in love, right? Fritz, I'm your boss. I respect your work and you, but I do not love you in a romantic way.

Speaker 1: What? What? Open the door. Oh, I've never felt pain this bad. Let me in. Why? Why do I feel this way? It's the teen, Fritz. If you let me in, I will give you a hug.

Speaker 2: A what? A friendly hug. An embrace. Open the door. Open the door. Um, okay, okay. Oh, the button. Emergency. This is an emergency. I need a decontamination team to the podcast studio immediately. A student has been affected by teen.

Speaker 1: I'm going to embrace you now. They are experiencing extreme symptoms. This is nice. I feel so at peace. Please come as soon as possible. Over.

Speaker 2: I really love you. It's okay, Fritz. We're going to get help real soon. And then I won't feel this way anymore? Nope. The lab techs will remove the teen from your body and you'll go back to normal.

Speaker 1: But I feel really happy now. Yeah, well, a minute ago you were miserable, remember? Teen is famously intense. Would you like to hear some poetry?

Speaker 2: Um... There he is! Come on! Oh, thank God. Right here. Wait a sec. Wait. Hold on. Wait. Ow. Get your hands off me. Hey! I'm being oppressed! This is oppression! This is oppression!

Speaker 1: Okay. Okay. I should go with him. But how do I stop recording? So many buttons. Um, I guess this one. Okay. Welcome back to the Birthday University Podcast Studios.

Speaker 2: Oh, Fritz. You're looking just like your old self again. How you feeling, buddy? I'm feeling good. Those birthday lab techs fixed you up brilliantly. It was very bracing. My treatment involved a medical-grade vacuum cleaner. Followed by well-deserved rest.

Speaker 1: Yes, but I'm embarrassed. I made a fool out of myself. It was a perfectly natural reaction to teen. I would feel better if we weren't using the audio to make an episode of the podcast.

Speaker 2: But there's a lesson in here. And it's not just don't eat strange chemicals. Though that is a good lesson. There's something to learn about the teenage experience. Changes come on suddenly. Emotions are strong.

Speaker 1: Do you think it might scare children about becoming teenagers? What do you mean? You are passionate, confident. I improvised a love song to you.

Speaker 2: Oh, your creative juices were flowing. Yeah. Well, I do want to say... I regret what I said. We don't need to talk about it ever. Whatever feelings you might or might not have, just repress them.

Speaker 1: Yes, agreed. Keep it professional. We can do that because we're adults and not teenagers. You know what? There is something to admire about the teenage mind. New passions and energies that are always flowing, always changing.

Speaker 2: Oh, you grow so much during that time. Listeners cherish it. Even those embarrassing parts. And there are embarrassing parts. But there are good parts, too. Like your song. Some of the world's best songs come from teenagers. You've got early Beatles songs, Alanis Morissette, Taylor Swift. Those teenage energies. They produce something special.

Speaker 1: You liked the song? Oh, yeah. I loved it. I mean, recontextualized. You know, the basic idea. I'm in love with my boss. You know, you take out the romantic angle. I mean, that could almost be the theme song for Birthday University. After all, I mean, I am the world's best boss. Isn't that right?

Speaker 2: Yes, that's right. And everyone agrees, including the Birthday University all-school choir. Let's hear it. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with my boss. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with my boss. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, love, love, love, love with my boss.

Speaker 1: Thank you for listening. And please forget what you heard. Professor Birthday isn't famous. A podcast musical. Writing and lyrics by Eric Congale. Music and lyrics by Clark Backstresser. Starring the voice talents of Jamie Lynn Beatty and Brian Holman. The podcast was mixed by Tomek Mirnawski. Is Professor Birthday famous yet? I don't know. I'm recording this before the podcast comes out. What is fame anyway? Is it pathetic for me to be here in the credits and beg for shares and reviews and recommendations? Or is it only human to want your art to be shared and your work to be recognized? Anyway, just buy the book, please. Type it in anywhere you want. Buy the book. It's on sale sometimes. Sometimes it's free. And thank you so much for listening.