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ANDREW: To be honest, I think this would have been better as a one-act and set it up as more vignettes like they do in the movie. But they probably don't want to do that because people are gonna pay for a two-and-a-half-hour long show and they want to see that, so -

JESS: It's - Why don't they end on a big musical number? Why didn't they end on the Major Award and then start with the fudge scene? I guess because they wanted the Christmas tree.

ANDREW: Especially, I think it might have been because they wanted to end it with something having to do with Ralphie and not something that the Father is the only one doing?

JESS: Maybe. And they also restructured the entire plotline. Like, as you pointed out, they cut out the entire Little Orphan Annie sequence.

ANDREW: Yeah, which I actually liked that sequence. I think the whole Ovaltine gag is funny.

JESS: Yeah, that's the loss of childhood innocence if we ever heard it.

ANDREW: Which, by the way, that is a bit of an anti-capitalist message by the way.

JESS: You're right. When you're right, you're right. Um, then we also have the sticky situation where Flick gets his – is it Schwartz or Flick that gets his tongue stuck onto the pole?

ANDREW: I honestly don't know, either from the show or from the movie.

JESS: Flick. It’s Flick. That happens relatively early in the movie, and then they move it to the start of the second act for the musical?

ANDREW: It's like the Act Two opener.

JESS: What was that?

ANDREW: Is it the Act Two opener? Or am I –

JESS: Yeah, it is. Sticky Situation is the Act Two opener that then fades into the You'll Shoot Your Eye Out song and dance number. Because he goes in after Flick gets his tongue ripped off. Like, they literally flip him off that pole. Like, it's an event. And then he goes inside, and then they go, “Oh, I got my theme back.” And “Oh, you'll shoot your eye out.” So, they move that to be much later into the show because they want it to be Act Two. It's not as noticeable or as jarring as Frozen where they like add a bunch of shit to the front of frozen to try to make Let It Go be the Act One closer, but it is noticeable and does kind of ruin the very, very tight structure that the movie has.

ANDREW: Yeah, and I think it's maybe another thing where they wanted to make people sit through to Act Two to see that scene. Because I know the tongue getting stuck to the pole scene is another kind of famous –

JESS: I guess. Maybe there isn't any big things in the last third or second half of this story.

ANDREW: Really the last - the ending of the movie, the only things that really happen are the bunny suit.

JESS: Yeah, that's iconic, too.

ANDREW: Do they have him put the bunny suit on?

JESS: Yeah, they do. Very briefly.

ANDREW: They, they do. Yeah. But that's a big thing. And then him getting the gun of course and shooting his eye out.

JESS: Yeah. And then the racism.

ANDREW: Yeah, which honestly, I don't think that's a major thing. I don't even remember that part.

JESS: In the - I will say one thing about the Fox Live production. They go to get the Chinese dinner, and they bring out the guys to sing and they're like an actual acapella group and they’re like (sings) “Deck the halls with - ” And it sounds beautiful. And the dad’s like, “That wasn't what I expected.” They were like, “What did you expect?” And he's like, “I don't know.” That's actually the one time I got a good laugh out of -

ANDREW: That actually is a funny gag because it's like, “Wait, do you want him to say like ‘I expected the racist thing?’”

JESS: I expected y'all to be fucking Chinamen. I expected Breakfast at Tiffany's here.

ANDREW: (sings) Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra. That's so racist, by the way.

JESS: That is so racist. Like, I feel like that entire scene, in and of itself, like oh, they go to Chinese restaurant because, you know, everything's closed on Christmas. That's a funny idea. Then he added the racism and it's like... Is there anything you think the musical did better than the movie? Anything at all?

ANDREW: Uh, honestly, I don't think so.

JESS: I got one, I got one. One-and-a-half. I liked the characterization of the mom, they really flesh her out in a way. Well, that movie doesn't really need it. And you get a lot from her performance. I do like her two songs in this musical quite a bit. Like What a Mother Does, where she's like, “I got all these things” and you get like a peek into how they kind of are suffering financially, but she's gonna try to keep up traditions and all that, and how she doesn't mind having to never get to sit down to dinner and all that. I really like that song. And I think it's good. Maya Rudolph just destroys that song because she can't sing it in the live production. Like, she's actively terrible. But the song itself is really good. I really, really like the moment where she pulls Ralphie away from the fight that is not as effective, but I like the moment where she's like, “Hey, life moves on and you had a bad day. And you know what? It's over now.” I think both those moments are really good and are better than what they have in the movie. That's it. I also like the kid’s tap dancing, because that's an actual kid that's tap dancing. And he's really talented. Yeah, one-and-a-half things.

ANDREW: I mean, I guess, if you're gonna include dancing stuff, obviously, all of the dancing is better in this because there is no dancing at all in the movie. But -

JESS: It could have been made better if they had dancing, I'll tell you that.

ANDREW: Maybe. Depends where the dancing was.

JESS: But then there's things like - I don't really want to dive into the father's head about why he's so good at crosswords.

ANDREW: I don't - Yeah, it's like, I don't really care.

JESS: This is Ralphie’s story. And I feel like a one-act where you kind of only get like the You'll Shoot Your Eye Out song from the teacher and the Sticky Situation where you focus on them and then you have those little emotional moments between him and his mom - I don't think we should have any singing when Ralphie isn't on stage, if that makes sense.

ANDREW: You think that it's getting too much into other people and it kind of ruins the tone – Like, it's his story?

JESS: Yeah.

ANDREW: Especially when he's literally the narrator and is onstage as the narrator for most of the show.

JESS: I like that the narrator interacts a bit. That's kind of a funny gag.

ANDREW: Yeah.

JESS: Like, little things like that, that make this come alive, I think really work.

ANDREW: I don't think that this is a bad show. I just cannot imagine myself in a place where I would pay to see it.

JESS: But would you watch the Fox Live production starring Matthew Broderick and Maya Rudolph?

ANDREW: You had me at Matthew Broderick... In that I would not watch it. Because Matthew Broderick is in it.

JESS: Is there anything that you would watch despite Matthew Broderick?

ANDREW: Probably The Producers?

JESS: I mean, that suits him pretty well. You wouldn't go to see Tower Heist because you love Eddie Murphy so much you're willing to stomach Matthew Broderick.

ANDREW: I can't say I love Eddie Murphy that much.

JESS: Okay.

(Andrew and Jess sing Party All the Time)

JESS: Oh, my gosh. On that note, do you want to go into a mid-show?

ANDREW: Yeah, sure.

JESS: Hey, these ads like to party all the time. Let's take a listen.

(Mid-show)

JESS: What do you think of the opening number, It All Comes Down To Christmas?

ANDREW: I mean, it's fine

(It All Comes Down To Christmas plays)

JESS: This song has been in my head all goddamn week.

ANDREW: Really? This one is stuck in your head?

JESS: Yes.

ANDREW: I've been kind of humming A Major Award a little bit.

JESS: But this one is the one I keep coming to because I keep having to restart it for different reasons and I'm like, “Da-da-da-da-da-da cus it all comes down to Christmas, da-da-da-da-da-da cus it all comes down to Christmas.” I like it a lot. And I'm like, it gives you that Christmassy feeling. And it's one of those rare opening numbers where it has the “I want” song stuck in the middle of it. Like, it's sandwiched between the “I want” song which goes to the Red Ryder Carbine Action BB Gun, which is about as blatant as an I want song as you can have and it works.

ANDREW: I mean, this story has a very, very obvious “I want”, because that literally is the only thing he wants.

JESS: Yeah, he doesn't even want his dad to, like, love him.

ANDREW: No, which is great. It's so great that the character doesn't want anything else besides a toy.

JESS: He is a very surface-level character, Ralphie Parker.

ANDREW: Ralphie Parker probably is my favorite Christmas hero.

JESS: Fuck you, Ebenezer Scrooge. Eat my ass, Quest of the Magi or whatever the fuck. I don't know who starts that story.

ANDREW: Screw you, Heat Miser and Cold Miser and Santa Claus and Jesus.

JESS: And Rudolph and Frosty -

ANDREW: Ralphie Parker. Ralphie Parker is my boy.

JESS: You know, Jesus could have done a lot more against the Romans if he had a BB gun.

ANDREW: I can just imagine it. Jesus with a Red Ryder carbine action BB gun. There's no way he's getting cruxied.

JESS: He is gonna take down the Romans Empire all by himself by shooting their eye out.

ANDREW: (sings) It all comes down to Christmas.

JESS: Wait, what is Christmas?

ANDREW: Well, that's when he's born.

JESS: Well, do you think they called it that when he was alive? They waited till he was dead to call it Christmas.

ANDREW: I like x-mas.

JESS: I like xxx-mas. Let's talk about The Genius on Cleveland Street, which I think is a very pointless number. But I don't know, maybe Andrew has different opinions.

ANDREW: No, this is a very - You're absolutely right.

(The Genius on Cleveland Street plays)

ANDREW: It doesn't really correspond to anything in the movie either. It's just kind of like –

JESS: It does, with his crossword that he has that morning. But the joke in this song is very obvious things he isn't able to pick up on, where I thought the joke in the movie was, “What is the Lone Ranger's nephew's calf named?” And that's such an obscure one and the mom’s like, “Oh, it's Roger, whatever,” he's like, “How do you know that?” She's like, “Everyone knows that.” And I'm in the audience, like, “What? Maybe I'm the dumb one.” But he's given, “Who went with Daddy Warbucks? Little Orphan Annie.” And he's struggling with that.

ANDREW: I think the other joke is that they do music theater gags because they do reference Annie. They do Leaping Lizards, I think.

JESS: Yeah. But the thing is, that was also from the movie. Like, Little Orphan Annie was kind of a thing in that.

ANDREW: That's true. They're referencing the thing that they're referencing.

JESS: Right. And yeah, it's also a musical but also, I don't think Ralphie’s dad – which, also, another thing. I don't like the fact they have names in this. I hate the fact that they gave them names.

ANDREW: Yeah, it's just the Old Man.

JESS: Yeah, his name's Frank in this.

ANDREW: Yeah, he shouldn't have a name.

JESS: Yeah.

ANDREW: It's like, if you made a Peanuts musical and there's actual adults on stage – like, that's not okay.

JESS: Ummmmmm, whoops.

ANDREW: Well, I guess you ruined that one for me.

JESS: That's a fun musical. That's a better musical than this.

ANDREW: But you can't have adults on stage. Literally, they have to be played by trumpet trombones in the orchestra.

JESS: What if they’re adults playing the children? Is that the same?

ANDREW: No, that's not the same. Adults can play the children.

JESS: That was where I was like –

ANDREW: That's just bypassing child labor laws.

JESS: Yes. Annie should learn a thing or two from that. But The Genius on Cleveland Street – I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel right for this story.

ANDREW: Okay, of all the plots to cut, you cut out the Ovaltine gag and then you add in a song like this? Come on, this doesn't even need a song. This could be, this could be a two-line gag about a newspaper crossword and then just move on, you know? This doesn’t need a song.

JESS: But that's how he gets the major award.

ANDREW: Yeah, but we already have the major award song. He sings it.

JESS: I don't mind that song, in and of itself. Let's talk a little bit about Ralphie to the Rescue, because I want to talk about at least one fantasy sequence and this is the big thematic one.

(Ralphie to the Rescue plays)

ANDREW: I wish this one was more Western. I feel like it could have been better, but I do like the song. It's a bit catchy and the staging is still fun.

JESS: I think the staging is great. I think that kid actors in this show is head and shoulders above a lot of kid actors we've seen. Like, specifically the range of Ralphie when he's like, “Ralphie to the rescue oh-woa-woa”. Ah, it sounds great.

ANDREW: Yeah, no, he does a good job. I think the only thing I would have liked is a little bit more Western flair but they may not have had the instruments to do it, I’m not sure.

JESS: Right. And I don't think this is really a show designed for a theme like that.

ANDREW: No, and it's fine. Because really, in the movie, these fantasy sequences are pretty short as well.

JESS: Yeah, but everything in musicals gets elongated to make it two hours.

ANDREW: Yep. Which is not always a good thing.

JESS: No, it's very rarely a good thing, except for things like Beetlejuice which are an anomaly that proves how –

ANDREW: Well, that's because Beetlejuice doesn't follow the movie. Beetlejuice does its own thing.

JESS: I wish more musicals would do that, but they don't.

ANDREW: True.

JESS: Let's talk about What a Mother Does because I really like this song.

(What a Mother Does plays)

ANDREW: All right. Well, I don't know if I have a lot to say on this one, why don't you –

JESS: I just - What do you think the character of the mother was in the movie? Like, was there much for character there?

ANDREW: I mean, the most characterization we get from her is that she is upset when Ralphie swears and ask for guns, and she puts soap in his mouth. So, to be honest, I don’t like her.

JESS: You didn’t even hop on your soapbox about that yet.

ANDREW: I'll hop on my soapbox right now if you want me to.

JESS: Go for it.

ANDREW: Okay, my least favorite part of the entire movie, and probably even including the very short racist part, I think the worst part is when they put soap in the mouth and it’s played up as a gag.

JESS: Why?

ANDREW: That's fucking child abuse, and it's not really funny. And they play it as if it's like, “Oh”, I mean, they're saying that it's bad because obviously he doesn't want to have soap in his mouth, but they're not condemning it in any way and they're kind of making a bit of a reference that this is justified because he swore, you know, like -

JESS: Maybe don't swear, Andrew.

ANDREW: One, kids should be allowed to swear.

JESS: I agree, I agree there.

ANDREW: If adults are allowed to swear at children, which they are, children should be allowed to swear it adults. So many parents that –

JESS: I think that you should be allowed to swear at school too.

ANDREW: It's words, it's literally words, most of them don't even have that bad of a meaning. Obviously there are slurs, which are different than swears.

JESS: Yeah.

ANDREW: That’s a little bit of a different thing, but swearing and using slurs are not the same thing.

JESS: I knew kids in my school that would use slurs but were like, “(gasp) How dare you say the D word?”

ANDREW: Yeah, it's like, “Okay, but you were over here saying - ”

JESS: But they’ll openly say the F slur for gay people.

ANDREW: Honestly, that was super common when I went to school.

JESS: Yes, me too.

ANDREW: But swearing was still like, “Ooh taboo.”

JESS: “Ooh, how dare you say the F word?”

ANDREW: Yeah, but for one: that's not that bad. And two: putting soap in your kid's mouth is child abuse, and I don't think it's even safe. I feel like you could –

JESS: My parents did it to me.

ANDREW: That's not a good thing, man.

JESS: I turned out fine.

ANDREW: Tell your parents, and I'll tell them right now, you shouldn’t have done that.

JESS: You know my dad's listening right now.

ANDREW: You shouldn't have done that. That's not good. Apologize to your kid. You shouldn't put soap in his mouth. Would you want him to put soap in your mouth? Is there any situation where you could think like, “Man, it would be justified if he put soap in my mouth.” If you can think of a situation where it's justified that your kid puts soap in your mouth, then maybe it's okay to put soap in their mouth. But, I don’t know.

JESS: Can you think of a situation where it's justified for my son having to change my shitty diapers?

ANDREW: Yeah, I can, actually. Adults wear diapers all the time. They're called adult diapers. And sometimes they need care and children often give that care to their parents.

JESS: Well, that's what a mother does, Andrew. And I think this song is really good. Let's talk about You'll Shoot Your Eye Out.

(You'll Shoot Your Eye Out plays)

ANDREW: You'll Shoot Your Eye Out.

JESS: That's where the teacher sings at him.

ANDREW: Yeah, as a witch.

JESS: Yeah, I think it's great.

ANDREW: I think it's fine. I think I like the Ralphie to the Rescue fantasy sequence better.

JESS: I like this one because I like the tap. I specifically like the kid that tap dances.

ANDREW: Yeah, I mean, the dancing is fun. I thought you weren't a dance guy, though, come on.

JESS: I'm not, but I love kids dancing, apparently, because this kid’s just tapping away. It’s like boop-be-doop-ba-doopa-dey and I’m like, “Eyyy, get it, kid”

ANDREW: There's not that much value in the song, though, but it's fine.

JESS: I like the lady that plays the teacher. Her specific dancing is pretty good too.

ANDREW: Yeah, and I think they did a good job with all the costumes and stuff for the fantasy sequences. They look like they do in the movie.

JESS: Yeah, and the transformation - because they have to do really, really quick transitions between them - It's really good. I also really like the child chorus screaming the taunt – like, “you’ll shoot your eye out.” It just sounds nice to my ears, as dumb as that sounds. Every time it's like clippety-clippety-clippety-cloppity-clump “You’ll shoot your eye out.” I'm like, “Oh, I'm enjoying myself.”

ANDREW: Yeah, it's – no, it's fine. It's a fun song.

JESS: Yeah, um, all right. The last song I really want to talk about is, A Christmas Story. They turned the title into a song. The final number.

ANDREW: The closer.

(A Christmas Story plays)

JESS: I'm not gonna lie, like, I was watching this kind of passively like, “Oh that's fun, oh that's fun.” I got a little choked up during the song and I'm like, “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

ANDREW: I don't know if I agree with that. I don't know if I got that emotional about this song.

JESS: I don't know why. I think I just like Christmas and I know you're not really a Christmas guy.

ANDREW: I'm not a huge fan of Christmas. It's a bit over-commercialized. One thing I actually do want to mention with this show, is I feel like because it's a musical, it almost kind of makes A Christmas Story more whimsical and Christmassy than it actually is in the movie, which makes me like it a little less.

JESS: And I understand that and I feel that way throughout, but still - when they've got these melodies coming back and the old man Ralphie singing with the young version of himself, I'm like “Fuck, we're all gonna get old and die. Childhood doesn't last forever. We're just flesh.” Like, I had an existential crisis, thank you A Christmas Story musical.

ANDREW: You know, and that's fine, that's good, that's good. I think it closes out the show nicely. And I don't think I want to watch this again.

JESS: I don't think I'll actively search it out, maybe we'll do a commentary on the Fox Live production next Christmas if we're really really strapped for ideas.

ANDREW: There’s gotta be more Christmas stuff than that.

JESS: Matthew Broderick, Andrew.

ANDREW: Oh, Matthew Broderick - Why, why?

JESS: I mean, Matthew Broderick will say yes to anything.

ANDREW: Isn't that a line from something that he did? I can't even remember. Wasn’t that in The Producers?

JESS: There is a fun Matthew Broderick Christmas story I want to bring up now that I'm thinking about it. So, I was re-listening to How Did This Get Made? and they were telling stories of behind the scenes of the film Deck the Halls. Do you remember this?

ANDREW: I don’t.

JESS: Where Matthew Broderick was up against Danny DeVito and who could decorate their house more or something.

ANDREW: Oh, yeah. Honestly, that is - I remember Christmas with the Kranks, I don't remember that.

JESS: But, like, one person who was a script supervisor was walking around, looking at the cast and Matthew Broderick is just, like, face-in-his-hands, he's like, “Well, this is rock bottom. End of career. Doesn't get lower than this.” Danny DeVito, as soon as he's done with every shot, he's like, “I'm on a plane outta here”, and Kristin Chenoweth is in a room crying because her and Aaron Sorkin just got divorced.

ANDREW: Very nice story, Jess, thank you so much.

JESS: Um, but yeah. So, Andrew, what is your overall thoughts on A Christmas Story: The Musical and your cheese rating?

ANDREW: Well, I like it okay enough. But I really feel like it does a bit of a disservice to the movie, by making everything longer which is something a lot of adaptations do, but also changing the tone to be a bit more Christmas-friendly, whereas the movie honestly isn't as much. So, I'm gonna have to give it a not-my-fave-dog.

JESS: Is that a cheese?

ANDREW: No, my cheese rating? What is a good Christmas cheese? My goodness.

JESS: Well, maybe you want a middling Christmas cheese since you're not really a big fan of this musical.

ANDREW: Yeah, I guess I don't want a great Christmas cheese. What do people have for Christmas?

JESS: Cheese Cake?

ANDREW: Oh, I don't like cheese- Actually, I guess, yeah, there you go. Cheesecake.

JESS: Cheesecake.

ANDREW: Yeah, we're gonna give it cheesecake. It's fine. It's honestly fine, it's not bad.

JESS: It is Pasek and Paul’s best score technically. That isn't much of a compliment. I just hate everything else they've done so much more.

ANDREW: Yeah, I mean, I guess compared to the rest of their work, I like this better than Dogfight or Dear Evan Hansen.

JESS: Or La La Land?

ANDREW: Well, they did the lyrics to that, not the score, right?

JESS: Yeah.

ANDREW: So, I don't know, I'm gonna say, if you like Christmas Story a lot, a lot, maybe check it out, but honestly –

JESS: You know, I think, honestly, here's my suggestion: if you've never seen A Christmas Story the movie, you might like this musical, to be honest.

ANDREW: Yeah, I think, if you have seen the movie, you've already seen a better version of the story, so it's kind of hard to recommend it.

JESS: It's hard to unlearn what you've learned from that movie.

ANDREW: Okay, you know what - Here's what I'd say - if it's coming to your town, and it's live on stage, maybe. And you don't have to buy a ticket.

JESS: If you have a free ticket, yeah. Or if your local high school is putting it on, I'd see it. Community theater’s doing it, I’d go see it.

ANDREW: Yeah. But if it's on Fox and Matthew Broderick’s in it, and it's on television, and you could just flip over to a different channel and watch the movie, probably just watch the movie.

JESS: I mean, that's a fair point. But I agree with most of what Andrew said. I say, give it a shot. Maybe you’ll like the cast recording, but if you see it live by a community theater, I think you'd get a lot of enjoyment out of it, not gonna lie. I don't think it's bad.

ANDREW: No, I think the score is fine and I think it tells the story in a passable way. It's just, you know, with this movie being so ubiquitous it's like, why bother?

JESS: You can say the lines alongside with them is the thing.

ANDREW: Yeah.

JESS: But my cheese rating is: There's this place called Mars Castle - Mars Cheese Castle in Wisconsin. And they have a leg lamp with the lamp heart shade made of cheese.

ANDREW: I was gonna do something like that for mine but I was like, I don't know if it deserves that. But, you know, I guess a leg lamp is a major award. So, you must have really liked this show.

JESS: I guess so. But you know who definitely didn't like this show?

ANDREW: I actually, I don't know who didn't like this show.

JESS: Our wonderful patrons. Thank you guys for listening.

(Credits)

JESS: We’ll see you next time on our very Christmasy Christmas Eve episode. I think our Christmas Eve episode is next, Andrew.

ANDREW: Oh my god. Christmas Eve, we have an episode coming out?

JESS: Yeah, we do. And you guys, it might be something more familiar than you'd expect. “Bum-bum-bum-bum, December 24th 9PM Eastern Standard Time, from here we shoot without a script, see if anything comes of it, instead of our old shit.” We'll see you next time on Musicals with Cheese. Merry Christmas, everybody.

(The End)

ANDREW: Ho, ho, ho, bah humbug,

JESS: (sings) You'll shoot your eye out.

Wikipedia page for A Christmas Story: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Christmas_Story:_The_Musical

Playbill for A Christmas Story: https://www.playbill.com/production/a-christmas-story-the-musical-lunt-fontanne-theatre-vault-0000013957