This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:01] Narrator: In a world of mass species extinction, climate change, and yawning economic inequality, a world nothing like our own, one man will not rest in his quest for comfortable shoes. In this world, the great minds that should have discovered electricity went into advertising instead, or destroyed their minds trying to understand cryptocurrency.

[0:45] Narrator: It is a world of steam-powered servants and factory-made food in which the privileged few, like Cyril Chippington Smythe, whose every wish is instantly gratified, have nothing to live for but pleasure and fashion and love. Join us now for Twits in Peril, A Steampunk Distraction by Tom Allen Robbins, Chapter 1, An Ill-Advised Wager.

[1:17] Narrator: When the world is too much with us, when even the strongest antidepressants have lost their power to soothe, when the music of life is drowned out by the rough chants of striking postal workers, one can always depend upon one's club.

[1:41] Cyril Chippington Smythe: As I waited for my cocktail, I gazed with equanimity at the brass and noga hide, whose patina derived from centuries of careful polishing by the staff, some of whom were as old as the club itself.

[1:53] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Sven, the waiter, for example, had been lovingly patched and repaired since my great-great-grandfather's day. He could remember when steak and kidney pie contained actual steak and kidneys.

[2:05] Cyril Chippington Smythe: It must have been a savage time, members feasting on the organs of slaughtered animals. Now, of course, the animals are gone, along with the fish in the sea and the birds of the air. But Twits, my beloved club, remains.

[2:21] Sven: Your brandy and Paxil, sir.

[2:23] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Thank you, Sven. Has Mr. Wickford Davies been in today?

[2:26] Sven: Not yet, sir.

[2:27] Cyril Chippington Smythe: I turned to see the club's beady-eyed marshal, Cubby Martinez, cruising toward me like a unibrowed shark. If anyone could be described as my nemesis, it was he. He gripped a yardstick in his hairy paws.

[2:41] Cubby Martinez: Morning, Mr. Chippington Smythe. I'll just check those heels, if I may.

[2:45] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Measure away, Cubby. You won't find any irregularities here, not with Bentley on the job.

[2:50] Cubby Martinez: He snapped the yardstick next to my feet and crouched down to peer at the number. Satisfied?

[2:57] Cubby Martinez: I suppose it meets the requirements. Barely. But if you get anywhere on the rubber tips, you'll be in violation.

[3:03] Cyril Chippington Smythe: When that day comes, Cubby, my lad, there will be fruity pops in hell.

[3:08] Cubby Martinez: Just doing my job.

[3:10] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Is it my imagination, or are your eyes growing closer together?

[3:14] Cubby Martinez: See you all. Death before dishonor.

[3:16] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Death before dishonor, old shoe.

[3:18] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Hello, Ford. Hello, Lincoln. Death before dishonor.

[3:21] Ford: How goes the struggle?

[3:23] Cyril Chippington Smythe: You're looking rather hipped.

[3:24] Lincoln: Yes, I've got a touch of the blue meanies, I'm afraid.

[3:27] Ford: Just chug down that B&P. That'll put you right. Hello, Cubby.

[3:31] Cubby Martinez: Sir?

[3:32] Lincoln: What have you got to be blue about? Riches beyond compare? Young? Bachelor? You ought to be kicking up your heels.

[3:38] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Seems rather ungrateful of you.

[3:40] Lincoln: Money isn't everything.

[3:42] Ford: It's a lot, though.

[3:44] Lincoln: But I think the economically disadvantaged are happier than we. Their lives are so simple.

[3:49] Cyril Chippington Smythe: I don't think that's true, old fish.

[3:51] Lincoln: They get food, shelter, and hydrogen for free. They don't suffer under the cruel lash of fashion.

[3:57] Ford: I've seen them wearing shorts and flip-flops. A far cry from the six-inch heels we're tottering around in this month.

[4:04] Lincoln: You must admit they make your legs look fabulous.

[4:08] Cyril Chippington Smythe: I dream sometimes of what it must be like to live as they do.

[4:11] Ford: You wouldn't last a day.

[4:13] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Of course I would. A gentleman can fit in anywhere.

[4:16] Lincoln: What do you bet?

[4:17] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Seriously?

[4:18] Lincoln: Say, I'm in. I'll bet you can't live like the huddled masses for, let's say, a week.

[4:24] Ford: Loser pays the winner's bar tab for a year.

[4:27] Cyril Chippington Smythe: You're on.

[4:28] Lincoln: Hey, Cubby.

[4:29] Cubby Martinez: Sir?

[4:30] Lincoln: Did you hear the bet?

[4:31] Cubby's eyes gleamed with ill will, like a pug dog glaring from under a chaise.

[4:36] Cubby Martinez: Yes, sir.

[4:37] Lincoln: Good. You're our witness. When does it start?

[4:40] Ford: What about tomorrow morning?

[4:42] Lincoln: Fine. Tomorrow morning.

[4:44] Cyril Chippington Smythe: I spied my cousin, Cheswick Wickford Davies, Binky to his friends, tottering towards us, his stilettos clicking on the marble tiles.

[4:53] Cheswick Wickford Davies: Hello, chaps. Death before dishonor.

[4:55] Cheswick Wickford Davies: What are you all conspiring about?

[4:57] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Death before dishonor.

[4:58] Ford: Death before dishonor.

[4:59] Lincoln: Death, etc.

[5:00] Cheswick Wickford Davies: We've just bet Cyril here that he can't last one week living like an ordinary citizen.

[5:05] Ford: Loser pays the winner's bar tab for a year.

[5:08] Cheswick Wickford Davies: Say, let me get in on this. I'll back Cyril for half his share.

[5:12] Lincoln: Done.

[5:13] Cubby Martinez: I've made a note, sir.

[5:15] Lincoln: And no help from Bentley.

[5:17] Cheswick Wickford Davies: What?

[5:18] Lincoln: You go alone. Bentley must stay at home.

[5:20] Cheswick Wickford Davies: Now, wait a minute.

[5:21] Lincoln: That does change the complexion, Cubby.

[5:24] Cubby Martinez: The bet implied that you would be alone.

[5:26] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Blast. What a dreary week this is going to be.

[5:29] Cheswick Wickford Davies: But you can do it, can't you? I mean, I've gone out rather on a limb.

[5:32] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Nobody forced you to bet.

[5:34] Lincoln: Look here. Bar tab for a year.

[5:36] Lincoln: These two drink like dipsomaniacal fishes.

[5:39] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Fine. I said I could do it, and I'll be damned if I show the white feather.

[5:42] Lincoln: How hard can it be?

[5:44] Ford: That's the spirit.

[5:45] Lincoln: Let's go to your place and get you honed up.

[5:48] Ford: And no fair telling the people you meet that you're rich.

[5:51] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Yes. They'll fall all over themselves to help you if they think you'll come back later and shower them with gold.

[5:57] Lincoln: If they find out you're rich, you lose.

[6:00] Cubby Martinez: Sven, play back the wording of the bet.

[6:03] Sven: I'll bet you can't live like the huddled masses for, let's say, a week.

[6:08] Sven: Loser pays the winner's bar tab for a year.

[6:11] Cubby Martinez: There you are, sir. It's not enough to simply live among them.

[6:15] Cubby Martinez: You must live like them.

[6:17] Cubby Martinez: That means they must believe that you're one of them.

[6:20] Cyril Chippington Smythe: I've changed my mind.

[6:22] Cyril Chippington Smythe: No bet.

[6:23] Cubby Martinez: Too late, sir.

[6:24] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Damn!

[6:25] Cubby Martinez: You're enjoying this a tad too much, Cubby.

[6:27] Cubby Martinez: As club marshal, I am impartial, sir.

[6:29] Cubby Martinez: As a private citizen, I may say that I find the prospect of your impending humiliation delightful.

[6:35] Cyril Chippington Smythe: See here!

[6:36] Cubby Martinez: How are we going to check up on you?

[6:38] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Surely my word is good enough.

[6:40] Cubby Martinez: I shall keep a watchful eye on Mr. Chippington Smythe.

[6:43] Cubby Martinez: Be so good as to inform me as to the location of your lodgings when you find them.

[6:47] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Won't you be a little obvious?

[6:48] Cubby Martinez: I shall be in disguise, sir.

[6:50] Cyril Chippington Smythe: You could pass for a cyclops without too much makeup.

[6:53] Cubby Martinez: See here. If Cubby's bumbling gives me away, then I win.

[6:57] Cubby Martinez: It's only fair.

[6:58] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Fine.

[6:59] Cubby Martinez: Never fair, sir.

[7:00] Cubby Martinez: I believe your bar tab is as good as paid.

[7:02] Lincoln: We've got to start training.

[7:04] Ford: Let's get you to Bentley before we lose another second.

[7:07] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Whenever thinking rears its ugly head, I turn to Bentley, my miraculous mechanical manservant.

[7:15] Cyril Chippington Smythe: He has been my constant companion almost since birth and served the same function for my father and his father before him.

[7:23] Cyril Chippington Smythe: I have found that making a move without him invariably leads to catastrophe.

[7:29] Cyril Chippington Smythe: So, that's the ghastly situation in a nutshell. What are your thoughts?

[7:34] Bentley: There was a surprisingly long pause, during which I could hear Bentley's gears grinding away like a flour mill.

[7:42] Bentley: Finally, he chugged back into animation and regarded me soberly.

[7:48] Bentley: I am afraid, sir, that I deeply disapprove of this venture. I warn you against it most seriously.

[7:55] Bentley: My advice is to declare the bet lost and pay the required bar tab.

[7:59] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Look here. That's all well and good for Cyril, who's rich as Midas, but I'm on the hook too and I can barely pay my own bar bill.

[8:06] Bentley: I am afraid that I have no advice on that subject, sir. But why are you so set against it? Do you fear for my safety?

[8:13] Bentley: No, sir. Thanks to constant surveillance, DNA databanks, and a vigorous network of informants, there has not been a crime among the economically disadvantaged for decades.

[8:23] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Then what?

[8:24] Bentley: It is unseemly, sir. It is not the thing.

[8:28] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Explain yourself.

[8:29] Bentley: Poverty, sir, is not a fit subject for frivolity. It is a state contrary to the dignity that is owed to each member of the human race.

[8:38] Bentley: It is a plague and a disgrace, and to pretend to be a victim of it for spurious reasons dishonours you.

[8:45] Cyril Chippington Smythe: We're not talking about poverty. We're talking about ordinary people, the people you see protesting on the street every day.

[8:51] Bentley: Those are the poor, sir.

[8:53] Cyril Chippington Smythe: But they receive free food and shelter, and free hydrogen, let's not forget, from my plants. Damn generous of me, I must say.

[9:01] Bentley: The government pays you for the hydrogen, sir. The business is quite profitable.

[9:05] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Is it? Well, I suppose you would know.

[9:08] Bentley: Stop trying to sabotage him. This is a matter of honour.

[9:11] Cyril Chippington Smythe: He's right, Bentley. A bet is a challenge. I must meet it or be shamed.

[9:15] Bentley: If that is your understanding of shame, then perhaps this enterprise will be an education for you, sir.

[9:21] Bentley: I withdraw my objections. I believe that you should go.

[9:24] Cyril Chippington Smythe: That's more like it. What should I do first?

[9:26] Bentley: I should procure clothing more appropriate for you, and I believe we should acquire a tutor, sir.

[9:32] Cyril Chippington Smythe: A tutor?

[9:33] Bentley: Someone who lives the life of an ordinary citizen, and can guide you through the minutiae of their daily lives.

[9:40] Bentley: I have someone in mind.

[9:41] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Who?

[9:42] Bentley: The young man who delivers your groceries may serve our purpose. He is due at any moment.

[9:47] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Excellent. Binky and I will practice walking and talking like ordinary people while you get on with your preparations.

[9:52] Bentley: It's a pity that your efforts can't be recorded for posterity, sir.

[9:56] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Thank you, Bentley. Very flattering. Off you go. We've got work to do.

[10:01] Cyril Chippington Smythe: He whooshed away, and we set about my transformation.

[10:05] Bentley: You should kick off those heels.

[10:07] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Ah, that's more like it. Now, walk up and down.

[10:12] Bentley: Hmm. You're rolling your hips too much.

[10:14] Cyril Chippington Smythe: That's the way I walk.

[10:15] Bentley: Well, it looks like you're enjoying yourself. The poor walk to get somewhere.

[10:19] Cyril Chippington Smythe: How would you know how or why the poor walk?

[10:22] Bentley: You forget my theatrical training at school.

[10:25] Cyril Chippington Smythe: I didn't forget. I had mercifully blacked it out.

[10:29] Bentley: We were taught how to observe humanity. It's called symphony.

[10:34] Cyril Chippington Smythe: Or empathy.

[10:38] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I do it all the time.

[10:39] Bentley: I thought you were just staring into space.

[10:41] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It is sometimes difficult to tell the difference, even for me.

[10:44] Bentley: Now, try again.

[10:49] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Better. Try without the humming.

[10:51] Bentley: What's wrong with humming?

[10:52] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: You're enjoying yourself too much. Try frowning.

[10:55] Bentley: Like this?

[10:56] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: That's not a frown, you're crossing your eyes.

[10:58] Bentley: Show me what you mean.

[10:59] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Like this.

[11:00] Bentley: Is it necessary to pucker your lips like a fish?

[11:02] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I wasn't.

[11:03] Bentley: You certainly were.

[11:04] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Let's come back to that.

[11:06] Bentley: Try talking like an ordinary person.

[11:08] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: What does that mean?

[11:10] Bentley: Without any ornamentation. Short, to the point.

[11:13] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Hey, you, what are you doing?

[11:16] Bentley: Hey, it looks like rain. That sort of thing.

[11:19] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Hey, where are you going, old man?

[11:22] Bentley: Lose the old man.

[11:24] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Hey, where are you going?

[11:26] Bentley: Better.

[11:27] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Where can a fellow get a drink around here?

[11:29] Bentley: Should I spit?

[11:30] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Can you?

[11:31] Bentley: I think so.

[11:32] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Not on the carpet. Bentley would disapprove.

[11:35] Bentley: What if I scratch myself?

[11:37] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Where? The nether regions?

[11:39] Bentley: Steady. Let's walk before we try to fly.

[11:44] Bentley: Just then, Bentley entered, followed by a rather tousled young man in a white delivery coat.

[11:49] Bentley: This is Ernie, sir.

[11:51] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Just Ernie?

[11:52] Bentley: Yes, sir.

[11:53] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: No last name?

[11:54] Ernie: Can't afford one, sir.

[11:55] Bentley: I have explained the situation to Ernie.

[11:57] Bentley: He has agreed to tutor you on the subject of how to pass as a member of the general population.

[12:03] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Damn decent of you, Ernie.

[12:04] Ernie: Happy to help, sir.

[12:05] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Perhaps you shouldn't call me sir. I'll have to get used to doing without that.

[12:09] Ernie: All right. You?

[12:11] Bentley: This is Mr. Wickford Davies.

[12:12] Ernie: Pleased to meet you, sir. Guy?

[12:14] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: You can still call me sir.

[12:16] Ernie: Thank you, sir. It ties your brain up in knots going against your conditioning like this.

[12:19] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: So, Ernie, what shall we do first?

[12:22] Ernie: Well, I guess we should figure out some things, like where are you going to stay?

[12:26] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: At a hotel, I suppose.

[12:28] Ernie: We don't have hotels.

[12:30] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Where do travellers reside?

[12:32] Ernie: Travel is too expensive for most of us.

[12:34] Ernie: If you have to go somewhere, you just stay with family or a friend.

[12:37] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I have neither!

[12:38] Ernie: Okay...

[12:40] Ernie: Oh, here's a thought. Why don't you stay with my family?

[12:43] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Would they mind?

[12:44] Ernie: No, people stay with us all the time. It's cosy.

[12:47] Ernie: One room, but we're pretty comfortable.

[12:49] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I'll tell them you're an old school friend.

[12:50] Ernie: You went to school?

[12:51] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Until I had to get a job.

[12:53] Ernie: So you can read?

[12:54] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I love to read.

[12:55] Ernie: Reading irritates my eyes.

[12:57] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Maybe you need glasses.

[12:58] Ernie: Gentlemen do not wear glasses.

[13:00] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It's smex of trying.

[13:02] Bentley: Bentley reads things out loud to me. Damn convenient.

[13:04] Ernie: But you can read if you have to.

[13:06] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I think so. Will it be necessary on this venture?

[13:09] Ernie: I suppose you could get by without it, but it's handy for things like street signs.

[13:13] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: This is all so interesting.

[13:15] Ernie: It's as if there's a whole world one knew nothing about.

[13:18] Bentley: Yes. It's called the world.

[13:20] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Tell us more.

[13:22] Bentley: I took the liberty of acquiring some garments, sir.

[13:25] Ernie: That's government issue stuff. Watch out for pins. There's usually a few left in the seams.

[13:29] Bentley: Step behind this screen, sir, and we'll try them on for size.

[13:33] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Are these the undergarments? Where is the rest of it?

[13:36] Ernie: This completes the ensemble, sir.

[13:38] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: What? No girdle?

[13:40] Ernie: No, sir.

[13:41] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It leaves my midsection rather flapping in the breeze, what.

[13:44] Bentley: I believe you will become accustomed to it, sir.

[13:46] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I strolled around from behind the screen and made a few passes up and down the room.

[13:51] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Well, it's almost indecent.

[13:55] Ernie: It's what everyone wears.

[13:57] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I must say, it's juiced comfortable.

[13:59] Bentley: Your flip-flops, sir.

[14:01] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Insubstantial.

[14:02] Bentley: How do they stay on?

[14:04] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It seems one grips them between the big and second toe.

[14:07] Bentley: Don't try to run in them. You'll fall.

[14:09] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I say. Is that why the masses always seem to walk in such a lackadaisical fashion?

[14:14] Ernie: No, sir. They're just exhausted.

[14:16] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: From what?

[14:17] Ernie: From living, sir. Most people have more than one job.

[14:20] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: But what do you need money for?

[14:22] Ernie: You pay no rent. Your food is provided for you.

[14:25] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Even my hydrogen is subsidized.

[14:27] Ernie: When you say food, do you mean nutrition bars?

[14:30] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I don't know. Is that what they give you?

[14:31] Ernie: That is all they give us.

[14:33] Ernie: They keep you alive, barely.

[14:35] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: And the taste, ugh.

[14:37] Ernie: I don't know if you've ever licked the mold that grows in the corner of your refrigerator, but that should give you a rough idea.

[14:42] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I suppose you have a bone to pick with this free hydrogen as well?

[14:45] Ernie: Well, I didn't like to say, but there is some resentment among the general population.

[14:51] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Why? What's wrong with my hydrogen?

[14:53] Ernie: Nothing, in principle, but the system is rife with corruption.

[14:57] Ernie: The government pays for it, and that means politicians have access to all that money.

[15:02] Ernie: So it gets siphoned off at every level.

[15:04] Ernie: By the time it reaches us, the hydrogen travels through leaky, rusting pipes that often burst into flames.

[15:10] Ernie: Even at the best of times, we only get gas for a few hours a day.

[15:13] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Monstrous! They should protest!

[15:15] Ernie: They do protest. You can hear them from your window.

[15:18] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Why isn't something done?

[15:20] Ernie: You can't expect politicians to do the right thing.

[15:23] Ernie: The person that could do something is the owner of the hydrogen plants.

[15:28] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Well, he ought to be held accountable.

[15:30] Ernie: I'm afraid he's speaking of you, sir.

[15:33] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Me? What do I have to do with it?

[15:35] Ernie: You are the owner of the plants, sir.

[15:37] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: But I don't actually have anything to do with them, you know.

[15:40] Ernie: But the people don't know that. I'm afraid they blame you.

[15:44] Ernie: What, my name?

[15:45] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Oh, yes. Your name is prominently featured in the protest chants.

[15:48] Ernie: Cyril Chippington Smythe?

[15:50] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Yes, the rhymes are pretty bad.

[15:52] Ernie: Chippington Smythe is not very nigh, that sort of thing.

[15:56] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It works when a thousand people are chanting it.

[15:59] Bentley: Cyril, were you aware of this?

[16:02] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I saw no point in bringing it to your attention until something could be done, sir.

[16:06] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: And what is to be done?

[16:07] Bentley: I am still formulating a plan.

[16:10] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: But if they discover me among them, they'll tear me to pieces.

[16:13] Ernie: You should use a false name.

[16:14] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Oh, let me think of one. I love false names.

[16:20] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Eustace Chippington Smythe?

[16:23] Ernie: I think the Chippington Smythe part is still suspicious, sir.

[16:35] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Cyril Wallingford Jones?

[16:37] Ernie: What about Johnny?

[16:38] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Just Johnny.

[16:39] Ernie: Most people don't use a last name.

[16:41] Ernie: It's considered putting on airs.

[16:44] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Johnny.

[16:45] Ernie: Hey, Johnny.

[16:46] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Good on you, Johnny.

[16:48] Ernie: Johnny, could you come here for a moment?

[16:50] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I rather like it.

[16:51] Ernie: I still think mine were better.

[16:52] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Don't sulk.

[16:53] Ernie: This is my new life.

[16:55] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I am Johnny.

[16:56] Ernie: A devil-may-care, jack-of-all-trades with a nasty temper and a wicked left hook.

[17:02] Ernie: What do you think, Ernie?

[17:03] Ernie: Will he pass?

[17:04] Ernie: I wish his teeth weren't so good, but we'll make do.

[17:08] Ernie: Shall I pick you up tomorrow morning and walk you over to my family's flat?

[17:11] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Yes.

[17:12] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: One more night of luxury in the old silk sheets and I'll be ready for adventure.

[17:16] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Bentley, send Ernie's address to Cubby Martinez at the club.

[17:20] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: We must be vigilant.

[17:21] Ernie: He'll be watching me like a hawk.

[17:23] Bentley: What would you like for your last meal, sir?

[17:26] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Tacos?

[17:27] Bentley: Of course.

[17:28] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I said luxury and I meant it.

[17:30] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Binky, Ernie, would you care to stay for some tacos?

[17:32] Ernie: I'm afraid I have to get to my next job.

[17:34] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Well, I'm in.

[17:35] Ernie: I haven't been able to wallow in tacos since I won that sweepstakes last May.

[17:39] Bentley: Plenty of salsa, sir Bentley.

[17:41] Bentley: Of course, sir.

[17:43] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: As I continued to stride back and forth, feeling a distinct breeze on unaccustomed parts of my anatomy, I reflected that clothes did, indeed, make the man, and that the person I saw leering back at me from my looking-glass was someone I would cross the street to avoid.

[18:01] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: This was a creature that scoffed at hardships, sneered at impediments, and chortled at danger.

[18:08] Bentley: Bentley?

[18:09] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Sir?

[18:10] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: No cutlery.

[18:11] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: I'll eat the tacos with my hands.

[18:13] Bentley: As you wish, sir.

[18:15] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: Very, very, I love you, I'm sure.

[18:17] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: You know, I'm looking forward to this.

[18:20] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: It's going to be fun.

[18:22] Cyril Chippington-Smythe: And, ignoring the chill that ran down my spine, I took another whack at frowning and stalked like a panther toward the tacos that cowered on the dining room table.

[18:37] Narrator: Our hero seems full of confidence.

[18:40] Narrator: And tacos.

[18:42] Narrator: But this adventure is rife with unseen perils.

[18:45] Narrator: Join us next time for Chapter Two, I Eat a Cherry.

[18:51] Narrator: And now, let us bow down before the brilliance of our cast, without whom we would be as dust, blown hither and yon by the winds of fortune.

[19:06] Narrator: Michael Urie as Cyril Chippington Smythe,

[19:10] Narrator: Christian Borle as Cheswick Wickford Davies, Binky to his friends,

[19:16] Narrator: Dakin Matthews as Bentley,

[19:19] Narrator: Mary Testa as Auntie Pasha,

[19:22] Narrator: Nick Sullivan as Uncle Hugo,

[19:25] Narrator: Stephen DeRosa as C. Langford-Cheeseworth,

[19:29] Narrator: Lily Cooper as Judy,

[19:32] Narrator: Fergie L. Philippe as Ernie,

[19:35] Narrator: Rachel York as Mum,

[19:38] Narrator: Wesley Taylor as Cubby Martinez,

[19:41] Narrator: Teddy Udane as Sven, the bartender,

[19:45] Narrator: Anne Harada as Mrs. Cedar,

[19:48] Narrator: James Runner as Lincoln,

[19:51] Narrator: Nick Walker as Ford,

[19:53] Narrator: Katie Blake as Martha,

[19:55] Narrator: Stephen Berger as Sid,

[19:58] Narrator: Jacob Smith as an advertisement,

[20:01] Narrator: Jacob Smith as Man One,

[20:04] Narrator: Lilius White as Woman One,

[20:08] Narrator: and yours truly, Lilius White as a disembodied, omnipotent voice.

[20:14] Narrator: Written by Tom Allen Robbins.

[20:17] Narrator: Co-directed by Tom Allen Robbins and Dory Berenstein.

[20:22] Narrator: Produced by Dory Berenstein, Allen Seals, Brittany Bigelow, and the Broadway Podcast Network.

[20:31] Narrator: Sound effects consultant, Eric Wright.

[20:34] Narrator: Sound designer and editor, Brett Ashley.

[20:38] Narrator: Executive produced by Liz Armstrong.

[20:41] Narrator: Good day.

[21:04] Narrator: Good day.